I only have a couple of days until the big Halloween party, and I still haven't picked out my dress yet.
I mean ... my outfit.
It's kind of a go-to thing for a man to dress like a woman on Halloween if he can't think of anything else, especially if he has English blood. And with my size and general hairiness, I can easily be the most frightening woman at the party.
Right. Like a female Bigfoot.
I need to make a decision soon. I went to the costume store and decided I'm too old to dress up as a beer bong, I have too much self-respect to dress up as a banana (I'm won't even ponder that one), and I am too cheap to spend $125 to dress up like a "real" vampire -- which is really kind of funny, since I've been having serious debates with my 4-year-old over whether vampires are "real" (she says no).
As far as I'm concerned, Big Bird is already old. They have Obama and Romney masks, but I'd feel compelled to act the part, and nobody should be so bland at a Halloween party. I was thinking about movie and TV characters. I have a friend who once dressed up as Darrin's boss from "Bewitched." Of course it was hilarious. He didn't seem to care that no one else got the joke.
But I'm not that subtle.
Too late to train
I wouldn't mind being one of those epic warrior types from "Game of Thrones," but to go that route I would've had to start working out months ago while shutting down most general hygienic practices.
My wife is talking about going as Joan from "Mad Men," which, of course, is A-OK with me. She suggested I go as Joan's boss, Don Draper. I suggested that I'd have to sell the SUV to have enough money for one of those suits.
I could be Donald Trump, but I don't know where I'd rent the wind machine on such short notice.
I could go as one of "The Avengers." However, I don't know if I could squeeze into Scarlett Johansson's leather suit.
The Hulk might work. I could just paint myself green and wait for one of my kids to do something I just told them not to for the third time.
Abraham Lincoln would be a great costume this year -- especially now that the facts have finally come out to show that not only did he win the Civil War and end slavery, but he also killed vampires in his spare time.
I've always wanted to be Burt Reynolds ... in real life. But I suppose I could settle for the one night a year. Unfortunately, it's probably too late to find a black Trans-Am rental.
I could be one of the characters from "Rock of Ages." Then again, that's a little too close to home.
Lots of people have said I remind them of Channing Tatum's character in "Magic Mike," so maybe I could ... Sorry. I couldn't even get through that one with a straight face.
No explosives, please
I'd love to be one of the guys from the "Expendables" movies. But it's pretty bad form to blow up a Halloween party.
The Olympics were a big deal this year, so I could get a Speedo and dress up as an Olympic swimmer. It would be a great way to clear a path to the snack table.
Right. The dress is sounding better and better.