WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, AS IT TURNS OUT: Every year about this time, we write our Old Man Column. We wish we could do it every day, but we're an old man, and these projects eat up cocktail napkins like mad.

Anyhow, we've gotta get out of the office before the potluck starts and the gals who cover the suburbs get deep into the punch and start trying to drag us into the supply room. So here it is, Old Man Column 2008.

If you ever take a trip around the world, you should start by going out the front door and returning through the back to get the true 'round-the-world feeling.

An old friend of ours has a daughter who cut her cornea. He told us, "I took her to the optimist. He said she was gonna be OK."

Squirrels are beginning to push their luck with us. There is only so much goodwill you can buy with a bushy tail.

We once played Dylan's "Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands" at a party being thrown by someone we didn't know. What's your "I Single-Handedly Saved a Party From Swirling Into Depression" story?

The one thing I hope is still around somewhere: Lepage's Mucilage.

We and Misty May-Treanor have one thing in common: When we wake up in the morning it's like, we can't wait to dance.

We just got a mail-order catalog that said: "Time is running out! Our Lighting Sale ends Friday!" We found the first piece of information immeasurably more alarming than the second, although we did admire the company for hanging in there and

I think we've pretty much rid this country of people who say po-tah-to.

Remember the metric system? There was a bonehead fad that disappeared. Can you imagine the havoc if any country started using that?

Our spell-checker suggests changing "Donner" to "Dinner." (Wow, it just did it again.)

We are full of hope. Not a day goes by when we don't hear about kids throwing away their computers and going to newspapers for their information and entertainment.

As much as we get a kick out of those barking "Jingle Bell" dogs, there's no substitute for the human voice. We'll take Julie Andrews over a beagle any day. And Vic Damone is twice the man as the Singing Nun.

There's never been another song like "Turkey in the Straw."

We bow to no man in our admiration of Joe Biden; still, we have to wonder if, when the chips are down, he'll have the courage to go out in the country with some bird dogs and shotguns and shoot his friend in the face.

We would totally be a vegan if we could pick a couple of "wild card" items to throw in our diet, like tri-tip and baloney.

You know what's weird about Segways? We would never buy one, even if we were super rich, but if we got one for Christmas, it would be the best Christmas ever.

Sometimes when we're feeling blue, we drive for several seconds with our eyes closed.

Those gondoliers you see around Naples are the mimes of the sea.

Doug "The Wagon" Krikorian used to keep himself in OK shape, but now when we stand beside him we look like a pretty ballerina.

Toyotathons are totally an invention of the Greeting Cards cartel.

In an equitable world Ringo is a Wal-Mart greeter, and not just for the irony.

There isn't a crane operator alive who can go three rounds with us.

Worst recreational drug of 2008? Flomax. It sounder funner than what it does.

tgrobaty@yahoo.com, 562-499-1256