Santa Claus explains how he could not only be in many places simultaneously, but also deliver warehouses of toys to Children worldwide. It’s all
Santa Claus explains how he could not only be in many places simultaneously, but also deliver warehouses of toys to Children worldwide. It's all advanced math and quantum physics. (John McCoy / Staff Photographer)

Santa Claus will deliver gifts to the homes of well-behaved children late this evening and in the early hours of Christmas.

Q: According to your blog, you visit a little more than 300 million houses/condos/apartments in the hours before Christmas morning. How is that physically possible?

A: Wow. Great question. No one's ever asked me that before. Have you read Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time?"

Q: Yes.

A: Really?

Q: No.

A: Well, the short answer is you can bend light. Plus there's wormholes. I could explain it if I had a chalkboard and you knew advanced math and quantum physics.

Q: I suppose wormholes explain how you carry enough toys in your sled for that many households.

A: Wormholes, black holes and dark matter.

Q: Flying reindeer?

A: Accelerated selective breeding.

Q: Making a billion toys using nothing but a little workshop full of elves with primitive tools?

A: Some of the stuff falls off Wal-Mart trucks.

Q: According to the Hearth, Patio & Barbecue Association, only 40.3 percent of homes in the U.S. have fireplaces -

A: Look, you seem bent on disproving my existence. How did you do in math in school?

Q: Hovered around the D mark.

A: You can't grapple with quadratic equation and now you want me to explain how the universe works? Kids tell me what they want, I get it to them in a timely and efficient manner.


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I don't get any hate mail from children. That's all you need to know.

Q: How come you're so fat?

A: Every time you ask me a stupid question your sister makes me a plate of cookies.

Q: How do you appear at so many shopping malls at the same time?

A: Mmmm. Macadamia white chocolate chip this time!

Q: How do you get along with Baby Jesus?

A: I'd describe our relationship as cordial. We don't really hang out with the same people.

Q: You are a saint, however, when you're in your "jolly" St. Nick incarnation.

A: Yeah, it's kind of an honorary thing. Like "Colonel" Sanders and "Speaker" Boehner. I didn't have to perform any miracles or anything. I think it was mostly an award for increasing the awareness of Christmas.

Q: Do you see me when I'm sleeping? Do you know when I'm awake?

A: Yes. I've seen you take bites out of the brownies your children leave by the fireplace every year. You think I want to eat a brownie that you've taken a bite out of? You even throw out the celery sticks that were meant for my reindeer.

Q: Can you name all the reindeer?

A: Comet, Blitzen, Cupid.... Let's see. Sneezy, I think, is one. Doc, Zeppo...NyQuil...

Q: That's OK, I don't know them, either. How about "The 12 Days of Christmas." Has anyone ever sent you a letter asking for lords a-leaping?

A: I still get a lot of golden-ring requests. And ladies dancing. People like to give the drummers-drumming and the pipers-piping as gag gifts.

Q: Dogs or cats?

A: At home we have dogs. Mostly huskies, but we got a Portuguese water dog after Obama got one. On the road, I'm more of a cat person. Dogs will just tear up a guy who suddenly appears in their house. I have to give them a treat to shut them up. I use the cookies I get from guys like you.

Q: If you give my children all their presents at Christmas, why do so many charges appear on my credit card?

A: There's a host of associated charges: Fuel, administrative costs, "handling," breakage, spillage, insurance fees, feed, permits. Those will all show up on your credit card as "Target," "Amazon," and "Cool Little Shop on Fourth Street." Plus, a lot of those gifts are given by my family members who think it's OK to put "From Santa" on the gift tags. I really only bring two or three things per kid. Otherwise there's not enough wormholes in the universe to get it all out in one night.

Q: Have I been naughty or nice this year?

A: Let me put it this way: You're not getting the boat you wanted. You will get a nice pair of slacks, though.

tgrobaty@yahoo.com, 562-714-2116 or twitter.com/grobaty