Because none of us has enough to worry about, here's some news: a chunk of metal the size of a 6.5-ton bus will plunge from the sky this week and we have no idea where it will land.
It will be traveling at a high rate of speed.
Oh, and it will probably be on fire.
Yeah, that really does sound exciting. Right up until the part where it smashes into my house just when I'm finally getting around to watching my DVR backlog of "Jersey Shore" episodes. I can't wait to see the one where they go to a bar, get drunk, start multiple fistfights, get sick and mate -- all at the same time.
I just got a great idea where to send the 6.5-ton flaming bus-thingie.
It's actually a satellite from NASA (Not Altogether Safe Action) that's been orbiting for 20 years and is expected to fall to Earth in many pieces this week, most likely on Friday, says the agency which spends billions of dollars sending up satellites that will never be old enough to go drinking with the cast of "Jersey Shore." NASA (Not Allowing Safe Altitude) predicts there's a 1-in-3,200 chance the pieces will hit someone on Earth.
The upper atmosphere research satellite was launched in 1991 from the Space Shuttle and the debris most likely will hit a remote stretch of land or the ocean, which is a relief unless you are a whale.
NASA (Never Approach Sizzling Aliens) experts say anyone seeing the satellite's re-entry would be treated to a "dazzling light show." Yeah, right before it hits you in the face.
You know, this angers me a little bit. My household is going through a transitional period right now. My dog is getting married, and the last thing I need is to worry about a 6.5-ton flaming satellite destroying my home.
Still, every few years we hear NASA (Never Advance Sane Aeronautics) or Russia say something like, "By the way, nothing to report here, situation normal except before we forget, you should know that a giant flaming piece of space wreckage financed by your tax dollars will be hurtling to earth sometime soon at about a trazillion miles an hour and it may or may not kill you. Have a nice day."
Now, as any of my former science teachers will tell you, I'm no scientist. I also had a problem showing up for class and paying attention, which really has nothing to do with satellites possibly falling on the cast of "Jersey Shore." But the human race has managed to evolve over millions of years, and spread itself across the planet to build thousands of civilized cities. We've conquered disease, gotten through wars and survived years of Kathie Lee Gifford on television. Leaps in technology make phones into computers and allow Demi Moore to look younger than her own children.
Masters of destruction
The human race also has developed another skill extremely well; when it comes to destroying things, we're geniuses. We can shoot lasers and smash atoms. We can blow up entire cities by sneezing on the wrong button. Hay fever at certain military facilities could wipe out most of a continent.
So why can't we hit a button and blow these things up, before they ruin "Jersey Shore" forever? At the very least, why can't we build satellites so when it's time for them to come down we can steer them where we'd like them to hit, like maybe the Sahara Desert or the Kardashian compound?
We have far too many things to worry about this week other than having to keep looking up just in case we need to dodge a flaming satellite from NASA (Not Another Space Anomaly). But since what goes up must come down, I'm selling stainless steel umbrellas at $49.99 a pop. After all, I have a dog's wedding to pay for.