While I enjoyed watching those sickeningly sentimental holiday movies this year as much as the next crybaby, I think some of our old favorites need a little updating.
We all know what happens in stories like "It's a Wonderful Life" (spoiler alert: Jimmy Stewart lives on and stars in a bunch more movies), "A Christmas Story" (spoiler: Ralphie almost shoots his eye out) and "Christmas Vacation" (spoiler: Cousin Eddie cleans the RV dump tank and Clark blinds the neighborhood with his Christmas lights.)
These tales are so predictable, we see them coming the moment the opening credits roll. I suppose that's half the fun for a lot of people -- anticipating the scenes they love. But wouldn't it be nice if we had a few holiday story mash-ups next year, much like the musical mash-ups those high school kids do on "Glee?"
Take "The Night Before Christmas" by Clement Clarke Moore for example. We hear the same old story year after year. Kids go to bed. Sugarplums dance. Santa comes. Kids get presents. Ho ho ho. Wouldn't it be fun if we mashed up "TNBC" with the "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas?" In that version, the kids go to bed. The Grinch comes and steal all the presents. Santa arrives and beats the stuffing out of the Grinch. Now that's a story! And it would meet the high standards of today's audiences who crave more drama, action and fight scenes. We could call it "The Night Before the Grinch Stole Christmas."
How about mashing up "A Christmas Carol" with "A Christmas Story?" Tiny Ralphie, who has ADHD, wants peace, love and a BB gun for Christmas, but when Scrooge McDuck won't share his money, Ralphie learns the real meaning of Christmas -- no matter what you want, you get bunny pajamas and a leg lamp.
I'd like to see a mash-up version of the perennial "Frosty the Snowman" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Frosty could have a super power, like being able to freeze things, while Rudy's super power could be his ability to melt things with his 2000-watt-bulb nose. The two could team up like the Avengers and go around fighting injustice, like the high price of iPads and the fiscal cliff.
And how about "The Nutcracker" mashed with "A Charlie Brown Christmas?" Charlie and the gang could dance to a Gangnam-style version of the Nut, make a music video and watch it go viral on Christmas Eve, bringing joy to people everywhere.
I'd really like to see that "Elf on the Shelf" get a mash-over rather than a mash-up. Maybe he could join the Chipmunks and they could all move to Florida for the winter. That would truly bring peace and joy to the holiday season, don't you think?
Yes, Virginia, there are some wonderful Christmas stories to be had -- "Lincoln's Christmas Vacation," "Les Miserables Christmas," "The Polar Meltdown," "Hot Babes in Adult Toyland," "50 Shades of Red: An Embarrassingly Erotic Holiday Story."
Oh, and one final mash-up: Channing Tatum as "Magic Santa." Now that's one movie I'd really like to see under my tree on Christmas morning.
Reach Penny Warner at www. pennywarner.com.