OK, let's face it: Nobody knows anything about any of this. I think that's a fair assessment, generally speaking. The administration has done a terrible job explaining to the public just what the opening of the marketplace means, and, for that matter, explaining Obamacare itself.
Which is why I've taken it upon myself to study the facts and present to you this fun and interactive quiz on everything Obamacare. Sharpen those pencils and away we go!
1) In a nutshell, Obamacare will:
- allow all Americans access to healthcare.
- bring the country one step closer to a socialist state.
- lead us down a path culminating with America being overrun by marauding bands of zombies, devouring our flesh for sustenance because Obama and stuff.
2) If you're opposed to Obamacare and refuse to get insurance, you will:
- be fined up to $95 or 1 percent of your gross income, whichever is higher, with those numbers rising to $695 and 2.5 percent by 2016.
- be part of the great resistance to socialism! What, you want America to turn into France or something?
- gain "X-Men"-like powers protecting you and your family from a future of marauding bands of zombies, devouring our flesh for sustenance because Obama and stuff.
3) If you already have insurance through your job, you:
- don't have to do anything. You're good to go!
- should write a letter to your CEO, thanking him for this job perk while still managing to maintain capitalist principles.
- should stop getting preventive care - even though a lot of the care is now going to be free -- because things like flu shots and MMR vaccinations are all part of the CDC plot to weaken the immune systems of Americans, which, as everyone knows, will eventually lead to marauding bands of zombies devouring our flesh for sustenance because Obama and stuff.
4) In order to get insurance, you should:
- go to healthcare.gov, where a girl-next-door type will greet you with a smile and a relatively easy and straightforward website will direct you where you need to go.
- get a job, you hippie slacker pot smoking lefty communist bastard! Ayn Rand rules!
- trick question! Do not get insurance. Head for the hills. Arm yourself. Prevent a future in which you and your loved ones are well, you know. Zombies. And stuff.
5) In 20, 30, 40 years time, the overall effect of Obamacare will be:
- not that much, except people aged 18-65 in America will have a reasonable expectation of healthcare, just like people under and over those ages currently have. I mean, you don't hear much about how Medicare ruined the country, do you? Except that's exactly what the right was saying back in the 1960s. In fact, in 1962, Ronald Reagan released an 11-minute LP titled "Ronald Reagan Speaks Out Against Socialized Medicine," which included such gems as, "one of these days we are going to spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it once was like in America when men were free."
- fewer doctors and longer waits for the hard-working Americans seeking health care, while the losers and wastoids fill up medical offices getting their government heroin and seeking treatment for sadness because they feel bad, wah-wah, boo-hoo, get a damn job!
- with Americans living longer and politicians refusing to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans, the country will eventually not be able to fund Obamacare and other social programs, leading to a total and complete societal breakdown with the rich living behind gated communities and the rest of us scraping by, trying not to be killed by marauding bands of zombies devouring our flesh for sustenance because Obama and stuff.
5) Ummmmm . yeah. Jury's out.
Jeff Edelstein can be reached at facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and @jeffedelstein on Twitter.