It must be awful making a sum of money that's greater than what you can actually count to.
Allow me to explain. A 4-year-old with serious connections is earning three times as much as I do just for playing dress-up. Well, to be clear, it's the 4-year-old playing dress-up, not me. Though for that kind of money, I'm certainly available.
Numerous sources are saying Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's daughter Vivienne is pulling down $3,000 a week appearing in Jolie's upcoming film "Maleficent."
Oh, and let's not forget the $60 a day she gets for expenses. You know, juice boxes, animal crackers and Hello Kitty sticker books just aren't as affordable as they used to be.
The genetic lottery can be harsh to us mere mortals on the losing side.
I realize that we pay to be entertained, and we demand good entertainment, and those who do the entertaining demand to be well-compensated. And they probably should be -- unless their name is Nicolas Cage.
I also realize -- because as a journalist, I believe I know things whether I actually know them or not -- that the more overhead the entertainment project incurs, the higher the price passed on to the consumer.
So, in the spirit of fairness, I totally blame that rotten little 4-year-old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt for my not being able to afford to go to movies anymore.
I'm kidding, of course. I would never blame a 4-year-old for my troubles. Unless it's my own child.
In fact, children can be wonderful resources. I have a 4-year-old girl who doesn't make three grand a week (lazy), possibly isn't as good-looking as Vivienne Jolie-Pitt (to some people), but she's pretty sharp, nonetheless. You know what she knows about money? She'll pick up a quarter, bring it over to me, and say, "Here Daddy, I want you to have this penny. It's a present for you."
That's pretty heartwarming, isn't it? I can't wait until she gets old enough to get her first fast-food job and starts bringing me paper money.
And what a thrill it will be once little Vivienne sees herself on the big screen in a big motion picture that stars her wonderfully beautiful mommy, Angelina Jolie. She can go to her private school and brag to the other children about how she was in a movie and how great it was and how her mommy and daddy are almost as good-looking and talented as most newspaper columnists and their spouses.
But, really, three grand a week, on top of the $60 daily walking-around money (she's old enough to walk -- right?), for a kid to play dress-up?
I haven't heard compensation figures yet, but Vivienne's 9-year-old brother, Pax, and 8-year-old sister, Zahara, also make brief appearances in the film. Shiloh, 6, apparently planned to join them, according to TMZ, "but she was bored and not in the mood during the day her part was supposed to happen, so she ended up not being in the film."
I hate it when little kids get too bored to earn $3,000 a week. Well ... let's just hope she didn't get her expense money, either. I mean, fair is fair.
Brangelina have worked hard to get where they are. They may have won the looks-and-talent lottery, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve some perks. Then again, I wouldn't mind subbing my kids into their films for a day or two. You should hear my 4-year-old act out Disney scenes.
If only her father had more talent. Who knows how much daily expense money she'd be walking around with?