DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since my husband and I will be traveling from out of town to my cousin's wedding, we have been invited to the rehearsal dinner at a country club with a dress code.

Although my husband would like to go and visit my family, he refuses to wear anything other than a T-shirt, jeans, boots and a sweatshirt. With that attire, he will neither be allowed into the country club nor will he be meeting the semiformal standard of the wedding. He says that if he can't dress the way he wants, he will come to the destination but skip the events, even though we will be in town only for those two days.

He thinks that he should be accepted for who he is and not forced to pretend to be someone he is not. I know he will not compromise, but should he come?

GENTLE READER: "Who he is" is someone who understands that the choice of clothing constitutes a symbolic system -- but who is willing to use it only to broadcast himself, even at the cost of symbolizing disrespect for others and for a ceremonial occasion. Miss Manners does not envy you.

Your husband should not try to storm the club in defiance of its rules. Whether your family would be polite enough to ignore this is something you should try to find out in advance.


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Miss Manners cautions you against using your husband's rationale in explaining the situation to the hosts. They would interpret that to mean that he claims not to be pretentious, even though they are -- which, indeed, is what he does mean.

It is not the degree of formality that is at the core of this conflict; it is the implication about the hosts who choose the style of the occasion. The disrespect would be equally true of someone who attended a highly informal wedding deliberately dressed in formal clothes, thus implying, "I'm proper, even if you are not."

So the approach to take is that as much as he would like to attend the wedding, he thinks that he should stay away because he will not be dressed for it. The response will be either to urge him to attend anyway -- or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother passed away and had been married for only six months. My good friend sent my favorite flower to the service. I didn't even know she'd sent them until several days later.

If the flowers are from friends of different family members who don't know the deceased or the wife, should the widow keep them? Or should they go to the family member whose friend sent them?

GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that you want to wrest some days-old flowers away from a bereaved bride?

The flowers were sent as a tribute to your late brother, even if the only connection to him was through you. Had they been meant as a condolence for you, they would have been directed to your home.

Your respect for your brother should be shown through kindness and sympathy to his widow. And if you can't manage that, at least refrain from making claims that exclude her.

Miss Manners runs Mondays and Wednesdays. Contact her at dearmissmanners@gmail.com.