DEAR AMY: My sister-in-law has been sending cards for "the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass" to our Jewish family for holidays.
She sent one to my 11-year-old son for his birthday. Fortunately, I had a feeling it might be something like this and opened it before he did.
Should I ask her to stop sending this or just continue to preview the mail?
DEAR MOM: This is a teachable issue for your son. At the age of 11, he should be aware that people come from different cultures and have different faith practices.
This gesture from your sister-in-law is confusing to you, so you should ask her about it. Here's a start: "Cathleen, you know we are Jewish, right? I'm afraid I don't know what a Mass card is or why you are sending them to us. Can you explain this?"
After that, then yes, if you don't want to receive these cards, you can say, "Can I ask you not to send these to us? It's really in conflict with our religion."
My understanding is that Mass cards are most often sent in memory of a deceased family member.
Understand that once you have explored this and asked her to stop, she may continue because she sees this as an important part of her faith practice.
I vote for tolerance, but if you don't want these Mass cards coming into the house, then you should intercept them.
DEAR AMY: Our daughter died recently. Because of specific medical issues she had, we were advised she could not be given sustenance in any form -- no feeding tubes, no IV fluids.
My mother-in-law felt we should be giving her fluids regardless of the doctors' directives.
At one point, she informed me that we were "just murderers." This upset me. The next day, she attacked our son-in-law in the same fashion.
I feel an apology is in order, not only to us but to our son-in-law.
Am I wrong in expecting this? I have not spoken to her since the accusation.
DEAR GRIEVING: My sincere sympathies to your family for this painful loss. You don't say what your daughter's illness was (and I'm not a doctor), but I do know that sometimes hospice providers choose not to provide IV hydration to a dying person because it can cause discomfort and may not benefit the patient.
I'm assuming that your daughter is your mother-in-law's granddaughter and that she is grieving. She is obviously lashing out, and her statement is completely inappropriate and deeply wounding. I am in complete agreement with you: You are owed an apology.
Maintain radio silence until more time has passed and you can sort out your own feelings. Don't make any big statements until you feel more peaceful.
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