"Battleship"

"If Disney can turn all of their amusement park rides into movies, why can't we do the same with our board games?" This is what I imagine the now shamed executive at Hasbro must have said in a meeting to advocate for taking the Battleship board game to the big screen.

It wasn't just any movie they made, but a shockingly embarrassing rip off "Top Gun" with some "Independence Day" thrown in to hedge their bets. The plot: a hot headed Navy officer (Taylor Kitsch) saves the world from invading aliens by sinking their battleships.

I struggle with where to begin my complaints, but the most glaring is clearly the script. The unseaworthy script feels like it was penned in 1986 but was rejected then for being too lame. And time has not been kind, as I laughed out loud repeatedly at the wretched dialogue.

Also on my list of grievances is the acting, which was some of the most atrocious I've been subjected to in years.

The grating heavy metal soundtrack only makes things worse, like sprinkling pepper on a glass of curdled milk.

I hope that mythical Hasbro executive is happy; ruining a perfectly good game and stealing two hours of my time to boot.

If your kids trick you into letting them watch this, make sure they are at least 12 years old. (PG-13: Violence and language). 2 hours and 11 minutes.


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Ratings (out of 4 stars):

Overall: ½ star

Kids: N/A

Teens: 2 stars

Adults: ½ star

Seniors: ½ star

Should you watch it? No -- Cinematic Lusitania sinks in record time.

"Casa de mi Padre"

Will Ferrell knows how to make me laugh and he's not afraid to stretch the bounds of humor to find fresh, unchartered territory. This time, in his quest for the new laugh, he's gotten stranded south of the border.

Ferrell plays a dimwitted Mexican rancher caught in a drug war. But the real hook is that the entire movie is in Spanish, including everything that the monolingual Ferrell says.

The purposely melodramatic movie feels like a skit from Ferrell's "Funny or Die" website except that it kept on going, instead of ending after two minutes. The gimmick wore thin and the humor well ran dry quickly.

Acceptable for kids 13 years old and up. (R: Violence, language, drugs and sexual themes). Spanish with English subtitles. 1 hour and 24 minutes.

Ratings (out of 4 stars):

Overall: 1½ stars

Kids: N/A

Teens: 1½ stars

Adults: 1½ stars

Seniors: 1½ stars

Should you watch it? No — Spanish language comedy gets lost in translation.

J.B. Alderman lives in Piedmont and can be reached at jason@alderman.net.