It's been a week since I made my annual list of New Year's resolutions, and I've already I've broken all of them. That's a record. I don't know why I keep making these ridiculous promises to improve my life. And these resolutions weren't even that difficult.

# 1. No fudge before breakfast. How hard could that be? There are plenty of other chocolate choices I can have instead of fudge -- like brownies, See's candy, Oreos, Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I can wait until lunchtime for fudge.

#2. Walk to the mailbox. Why do I wait for my husband to come home and bring me the mail? I can make it down the driveway without breaking a sweat -- usually. And carrying all those sales fliers for carpet cleaning is good exercise.

#3. Eat out less. My husband and I have a bad habit of letting professional chefs cook for us instead of heating up microwaveable meals and throwing together peanut butter sandwiches. We'd probably save a lot of money -- and calories -- by just grabbing a carton of yogurt or some peanuts. Only trouble is, a Black Bear Diner just opened up in Dublin. We love the Black Bear Diner!

#4. Baby-sit more. My grandkids are growing so fast. Before I know it, they'll be going away to beauty school or launching their own startup company. If I don't hurry up and play more Jenga games, make more Play-Doh pancakes, dress up more zombie dolls and build more Lego computers, I'll find myself alone with my three cats. They're no fun. Speaking of cats ...


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#5. Sign up the cats for charm school. They were so cute when we first got them. And we didn't mean to get so many. We had a cat, but he ran away, so we got another one, and he seemed lonely, so we got him a friend, but there was a two-for-one special, then the first cat came back, and ... now we have too many cats. It's not that we don't love them. We do, even though one is as matted as a bird's nest, one smells like a urinal and one sits on my lap while I'm in the bathroom. (The first one ran away again. He couldn't stand the other three.) I'd like to get a little dog next -- one that will fit in my purse. They're so cute.

#6. Write more books. I need more money.

#7. Use the RV more. We bought this money-sucking, gas-drinking, house on wheels three years ago, and we've really got to go more places to get our money's worth. The last time we used it, we parked it overnight in front of my daughter's house on Christmas Eve so we could get up at 5 in the morning and watch the grandkids open their Santa presents before going back to bed. We've got to try that new RV park in Fresno. I hear they have Ping-Pong, a bouncy house and bingo.

#8. Blog more. Whoops. Missed that window. Apparently blogging is over, as is emailing (now texting), Facebooking (now Instagraming) and actually talking on the telephone (now completely obsolete.)

#9. Keep the house clean. For that I'll need a leaf blower, power washer, bug bomb, crime scene cleaner and maid.

#10. Make new resolutions. Whatever.

Contact Penny Warner at www.pennywarner.com.