Robert Pattinson is finally talking about his breakup with Kristen Stewart.

Thank God. I haven't slept through the night since those two crazy kids split up.

Pattinson told Esquire UK for its September issue that, "(Expletive) happens, you know? It's just young people ... it's normal! And honestly, who gives a (expletive)?"

I started to rip the guy for using a bad '80s bumper sticker saying as an answer, until I realized he's right. Nobody cares.

Which is, apparently, why I'm writing about it.

The former "Twilight" star said the most difficult thing about the whole situation was talking about it afterward.

"When you talk about other people, it affects them in ways you can't predict," the 28-year-old said. "It's like that scene in 'Doubt,' where (Philip Seymour Hoffman is) talking about how to take back gossip? They throw all those feathers from a pillow into the sky and you've got to go and collect all the feathers."

Did someone shoot a bird or something?

Pattinson said he doesn't get why people are interested in his personal life.

"I used to dress up my assistant as me, and get him to drive off with like five cars following him around for hours," he said. "I think it goes through periods where you're assigned 'this is the guy to follow.' But whenever I see a bunch of paparazzi hanging out, I always think, 'Oh God, what have they found out!' Oh, THAT love child! I totally forgot!"


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So he and Kristen Stewart had a real vampire love child? I KNEW it!

Pattinson sounds like he's over the whole fame deal.

"There was a time, three years ago, when I didn't know where to live where I wouldn't be trapped in my home, you know? But I worked it out. It's not that big a deal in the end," he says. "Half of it is in your head."

Tony Hicks provides celebrity commentary for the Bay Area News Group. Contact him at Facebook.com/BayAreaNewsGroup.TonyHicks or Twitter.com/thicks67.