Sex scandals are ripping through our nation's moral fiber. Elmo's accuser has recanted, but the damage is done. The planet's going to explode just before Christmas, and we're all riding along in this handbasket for some reason ... is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?
All in all, there's really no better time to mock Brad Pitt.
Sorry, Brad, I hear you're a really nice guy and all -- great dad, terrific actor, really friendly to your fans -- but your recent unintentionally hilarious TV commercial for Chanel No. 5 just came to my attention and, well, making fun of you is, to use your own word from the ad: "Inevitable."
Woops, the application of that word made too much sense in this context. I should have used it in reference to a bottle of perfume or a rose or maybe a tuna sandwich because, well, it's lunchtime and I am inevitably hungry. No, still too logical.
Maybe it would have helped had I prefaced it with non-sequiturs and deep-sounding-but-actually-totally-meaningless phrases the way you do in the script that was apparently written using the tried-and-true kidnapper-ransom-note technique of clipping random words out of a magazine.
For those who haven't seen the moody black-and-white ad, here's Brad: "Every journey ends, but we go on (insert dramatic pause and gaze into space). The world turns, and we turn with it. Plans disappear. Dreams take over (more gazing). But wherever I go (pause, look at camera in sexy way), there you are. (Camera zooms in.) My luck, my fate, my fortune. Chanel No. 5. Inevitable."
Perhaps even better than Brad's ad is the "Saturday Night Live" parody with Taran Killam's spot-on impression, even sporting the Pitt-esque chin scruff. Or the flood of YouTube videos. The Leif Garrett version may indeed be the best: "It's a band like Journey. I think they sang 'Sister Christian. No, wait, that's Night Ranger. The world turns and we turn with it. Unless you're walking in the opposite direction at the exact same speed, which is super hard."
Go to YouTube and search for Brad Pitt and Chanel and you'll have lots to choose from. Or for a silent, personal moment with Brad, get over to Union Square in San Francisco, where Macy's just slapped up a giant billboard of him on the front of the store. He's looking down at you as you shop. Wherever you go, he's ... inevitable.
Contact Angela Hill at firstname.lastname@example.org, read her weekly Give 'Em Hill column, or follow her on Twitter @giveemhill.