Weary of decked halls and blazing Yule's? Sung about pear trees one too many times? Then you'll understand why we asked the East Bay's lyrical wannabes to draft us some new holiday lyrics -- something with a little Bay Area savoir faire to replace the likes of "Deck the Halls," "We Three Kings" and those infernal roosting partridges. And you delivered.

There were songs about gridlock, shopping malls and bridges. The tragic Bay oil spill figured prominently in several entries, and re-imagined "Twelve Days" brought an endless, wildly creative -- although not always singable -- parade of foodstuffs, canaries and cell phones.

Among the winners: Joe Martin's fa-la-la blast at holiday travel, fellow Martinez-ite Patt Corr's ode to Black Friday shopping, and Lafayette librettist Kat Mulkey's take on adult life, college kid-style.

They'll receive copies of the 50th anniversary reissue of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Our runners-up get fame and glory. And the holiday canon gets some humorous additions, including a highly amusing take on "What Child Is This" -- and, yes, we know it's not on the official contest song list, but we couldn't resist sharing.

'Stuck, We Are, in Christmas Traffic'

(Sung to "Deck the Halls")

Stuck, we are, in Christmas traffic,

Fa la la la, la la la la

We shout out words obscenely graphic,

Fa la la la, la la la la.

We merge now on lame 580,

Fa la la la, la la la la

The jam gets worse once on 680,

Fa la la la, la la la la.

  • See the red brake lights before us,

    Fa la la la, la la la la

    Hear the traffic honking chorus,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Why did we not join a carpool?

    Fa la la la, la la la la

    We could have saved a fortune on fuel,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

  • Quickly by the BART train passes,

    Fa la la la, la la la la

    We creep on just like molasses,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    As our anxious nerves unravel,

    Fa la la la, la la la la

    We vow next Christmas to not travel,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    -- Joe Martin, Martinez

    'We Three Kids'

    (Sung to "We Three Kings")

    We three kids come home from afar

    To eat and drink and borrow the car.

    Football! Oprah! Love this sofa!

    This is what the holidays are.

    Oh-h-h ...

    Pop, I'll be out late tonight.

    Mom, this gravy's not quite right.

    Don't forget to do my laundry,

    How I love my adult life!

    -- Kat Mulkey, Lafayette

    'We Three Shoppers'

    (Sung to "We Three Kings")

    We three shoppers started out strong.

    Thought we'd make the opening gong.

    Right at 4 we're at the door --

    But our planning, it seems, was wrong.

    Oh-h-h ...

    Drove around the parking lot.

    There was not a single spot.

    No elation, sheer frustration.

    Tempers getting very hot.

  • Stopped for latte, strategy time.

    How to reach that moment sublime?

    When we've shopped until we dropped

    When it's done we're still in our prime.

    Oh-h-h ... Head for home, we know what's there

    Catalogs are everywhere.

    Toll-free calls -- to heck with malls!

    We'll do this from an easy chair.

  • Dial the merchants far and wide.

    Soon there'll be some boxes to hide.

    They pay shipping, we'll be sipping

    Eggnog by the fireside.

    Oh-h-h ... Stay at home, ignore the crowd

    Scrooge himself would be so proud.

    After wrapping comes the napping --

    What a happy Christmastide!

    -- Pat Corr, Martinez

    'Tankers Folly'

    (Sung to "Deck the Halls")

    Our Bay was oiled by a tanker's folly,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Cleaning up will not be jolly,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Don we now hazmat apparel,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Fifty-eight thousand nasty barrels,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

  • See the oily birds before us,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Let's clean their feathers now so porous,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    The havoc wreaked we cannot measure,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Covered all with black gold treasure,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

  • Slow away the leaked oil passes,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Still the seeping oil masses,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Sing we sadly, all together,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    Send those oil folks to regions nether,

    Fa la la la, la la la la.

    -- Gordon Deboo, Walnut Creek

    'What Lot Is This?'

    (Sung to "What Child Is This?" or "Greensleeves")

    What lot is this, where did I park?

    I'm wand'ring 'round in the cold and dark.

    Can't find my car; can't find my way,

    I still might be here on Christmas Day.

  • Help, help, where is my car?

    It must be here; it can't be far.

    Help, help, the shoppers cry,

    We still might be here next July.

  • The lot is big and my car not so.

    I've bought and bought; I have no more dough.

    My arms are filled with gifts wrapped so bright.

    I better find my car tonight.

  • Help, help, where is my car?

    It must be here; it can't be far.

    Help, help, I must not lose heart,

    But next time I better take BART.

    -- JoAnn Thomas, Richmond

    'Hit the Malls'

    (Sung to "Deck the Halls")

    Hit the malls and spend by golly,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Everybody wants some bling, bling, bling.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Start your day out at SunValley,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Hear the carols play and sing, sing sing.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

  • Broadway Plaza, then the Willows,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Hurry up, rush, rush, rush, jing-a-ling.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Grandma Gert would like new pillows,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Hope that I've remembered everything.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

  • Christmas trees are in Martinez,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Hurry home and start to decorate.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Don't get stuck on the Carquinez,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Kids are so excited, they can't wait.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

  • Walnut Creek has got an ice rink,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Slide around, hit the ground, ow, ow, ow.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Home to Concord, that's what I think,

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    I'm fed up with shopping anyhow.

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    -- Melissa Ridenour, Walnut Creek

    And excerpts from other entries ...

    'Time of Laughter'

    To "Deck the Halls" -- you know where the fa la la la la's go by now)

    Christmas is a time of laughter,

    All are light of heart and want to play.

    Goodwill floats up to the rafter,

    singing fills the air, cares fly away.

  • Mistletoe hangs from the ceiling,

    Better watch out or you might get kissed.

    Snow is falling, children calling,

    Those who are afar, are all being missed.

    -- Evie Lehrer, San Ramon

    'We, the Homes on Tara Hills Drive'

    (Sung to "We Three Kings")

    We, the homes on Tara Hills Drive,

    T'be the best at Christmas we strive

    Decorating, Merry-making, Moving parts that come alive.

    Oh-h-h ...

    Stars of wonder, ropes of light,

    Santas, deer and trees so bright, People gazing; it's amazing

    Come on down our street tonight.

    -- JoAnn Thomas, Richmond

    'The Twelve Places of Contra Costa'

    (Sung to "Twelve Days of Christmas")

    On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, a Todos Plaza shopping center ...

    On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me two Bing Crosby's and a Todos Plaza shopping center ...

    On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me:

  • Twelve Mount Diablos a'snowing,

  • Eleven Diablo Colleges a'learning,

  • Ten Martinez beavers damming,

  • Nine BART trains a'running,

  • Eight Highway 24s racing,

  • Seven Broadway Plazas lighting,

  • Six Lesher Centers music-ing,

  • Five K-Mart stores,

  • Four 680 freeways,

  • Three John Muir Houses,

  • Two Bing Crosby's

  • And a Todos Plaza shopping center .

    -- Vicki Erlan, Moraga

    ONLINE

    Hear the Acalanes High School chorus sing winning "faux carol" lyrics online at http://www.ContraCostaTimes.com.