The Halloween aisle in CVS isn't incredibly scary. Mickey Mouse figurines dressed in skeleton suits. A small battery-operated skeleton playing "Another One Bites the Dust" on a small battery-operated guitar. Fake pumpkins with the images of flying bat wings, any possible threat defeated by a coat of glitter in a shade of purple that the performer formerly-and-now-once-again-known-as Prince might wear.
But around the end cap of that aisle awaits the most harrowing, goose-bump-inducing, bone-trembling sight of all -- Christmas cards!
Yes, mere steps from a mini crazed evil clown in a cage and signs that read "I Want My Mummy" are the shocking-to-the-system, adorably heartwarming images of dopey looking reindeer with colorful Christmas ornaments dangling off their antlers. In another box, there are cartoon puppies and kittens apparently living and working together to form the shape of a Christmas tree with their furry little bodies.
This is very wrong. Not just the thing with the cats and dogs, but the clash of such holiday titans. The juxtaposition fosters a festive mutation in one's brain, no doubt the result of some evil mind-manipulating creation -- a retail Dr. Moreau-ian abomination.
These holidays are polar opposites in theme and intention. It's oil versus water. Raiders versus Niners. Dogs versus cats, once those Christmas-card puppies and kittens grow up and realize what they've done.
This has been happening for years now. Not just the thing with the cats and dogs, but the rush to the next big holiday. It's at CVS, it's at Target, Walgreens, Cost Plus. There's even a name for it now: the "Christmas creep," which is quickly becoming the Christmas "creepy" as Halloween and Christmas begin an unholy merge a la Nomad and Tan Ru, the two space probes that become one in "The Changling" episode of the original "Star Trek." And we all know how that ends. (Nomad explodes. Not a pretty sight.)
Everyone I know complains. Not just about Nomad and Tan Ru, but about the "creep." Yet it's only getting worse. Macy's, the granddaddy retailer of them all, plans to open many of its stores on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in its 155-year history. Can't we go a day in this country without a Cinnabon at the mall?
And what about poor Thanksgiving? I'd even forgotten about it myself in writing this column. It's th e retail middle child, practically overlooked and overcooked, because everyone's out shopping for Christmas and New Year's and possibly St. Patrick's Day.
This opinion may seem hypocritical coming from the likes of me, seeing as how I'm deep into Halloween décor back somewhere around Easter every year, planning my evil ways for months. But that's my own thing. Nobody else has to see it, and certainly not bump into it when shopping for toothpaste.
Yes, I love Halloween. And I love Christmas. But never the twain should meet, except maybe in "Nightmare Before Christmas," and Tim Burton was probably standing in that holiday twilight zone in CVS when he came up with the idea.
Follow Angela Hill at Twitter.com/giveemhill.