Oscar night losers will go home with some sweet consolation gifts -- about $80,000 worth each.

Us Weekly reported that losing nominees in the Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, and Director categories will get gift bags including the O-Shot procedure, which supposedly "rejuvenates and enhances the genital tissue of a woman." The $2,700 procedure is said to enhance sexual response and slow urinary incontinence.

Let's hope there's no mix-up and Jonah Hill -- if he loses -- goes home with the wrong bag.

For men -- and perhaps some women -- there will be hair restoration surgery using ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant system ($16,000).

And because they all obviously need it, the bag will include $949 in weight loss products.

General atmosphere at the 86th Annual Academy Awards - Governors Ball Press Preview at The Ray Dolby Ballroom at Hollywood & Highland Center on February
General atmosphere at the 86th Annual Academy Awards - Governors Ball Press Preview at The Ray Dolby Ballroom at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 20, 2014 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Valerie Macon/Getty Images)

The bag will includes 10 personal training sessions with Huntley Drive Fitness ($850), portion-conscious dinnerware from Slimware ($59), and Hydroxycut gummies, protein bars, and shakes ($40).

And in case Amy Adams is ever in Colorado -- if she loses -- she'll be able to lick her wounds during a train trek through the Rocky Mountains, which is worth $6,850.

Those must be some mountains.

Losers -- and that's really using the term loosely -- will receive $280 worth of pure organic maple syrup, salad dressings, jellies, mustard, and an apron. But that's not all! Each star will receive an adoption certificate of a maple tree in Notre-Dame-Des-Bois. They don't list the cost, but let's say it's pretty valuable.

Losers/explorers will have the chance to tour and discover the non-touristy side of Japan by foot from Walk Japan ($15,000). They also can live it up through the Best of Las Vegas offering ($9,000), which includes a face-to-face meeting with Boyz II Men.

That's big. Martin Scorsese loves him some Boyz II Men.

Losers will also receive $7,455 worth of water therapy in the form of the Steamist Total Sense Home Spa System ($2,560), which includes shower amenities like aromatherapy, wireless in-shower audio, and Krystal Klear Water's whole house water filtration system ($4,895).

How about a water cannon to keep the paparazzi in line?

Non-winners will receive resort stays at the Imanta resort in Ocean Casa ($3,300) and five nights in a luxury villa at the Koloa landing resort in Kauai ($2,000).

Loser's pets will receive $7,706 in absolutely necessary pet products, including electrolyte pet therapy, complete with a year's supply of pet supplements ($1,591). Those lucky animals will also receive Simon's Happy Pet Shampoo ($15), while Ellen DeGeneres' natural pet food line, Halo Spot's Stew, will give a 10,000-meal donation to the shelter of each celebrity's choice ($6,100).

Us Weekly also reported 2014 Oscar losers will get horse shampoo for humans (please don't ask me what that means) worth $95, his and hers Mace pepper spray guns ($120), and a narrative clip that gives its users a shareable photographic memory ($279).

The Academy Awards happen March 3.

Contact Tony Hicks at Facebook.com/BayAreaNewsGroup.TonyHicks or Twitter.com/insertfoot.