So I just caught myself turning a wrapper inside out, to better scrape the stuck cheese off with my teeth.

I feel dirty.

But I have a feeling I'll feel that way anyway in about a half-hour, once my body gets a load of what I just put in it.

Well, it's a living, I suppose.

Because I am the go-to guy around here for what often turn out to be bad ideas, more than one colleague suggested I should try one of these new Double Down thingies from Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Momentum picked up over a couple days as word spread I that was planning to voluntarily eat a sandwich featuring fried chicken as the bread, with melted cheese, dual stripes of bacon and "special sauce" that suspiciously looks like mayonnaise thick enough to stop a tractor trailer hurtling down a mountain.

Dangerous trend

Just when we started seeing healthier items appearing at fast-food joints — or at least stuff that we believed was healthier — this new idea blooms. Fast-food restaurants are battling each other to make the most dangerous-sounding food. Tune in next week when I go to Del Taco to try the "Boom-Rito," featuring a lit stick of dynamite wrapped in a lightly browned flour tortilla.

The Daily Beast recently did some research on the most unhealthy fast-food creations, and the Double Down ranked only 23rd among potential fast-food killers — slightly worse than a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut, but better than a Big Mac.

Oh, well, now I feel better.


Advertisement

Actually, pizza shouldn't count as being bad for you, because it's such a spiritual food. Well, it brings me closer to serenity, anyway. Just like reruns of "Charles in Charge."

Wendy's Baconator Triple topped the list, with 1,330 calories, 38 grams of saturated fat, 345 milligrams of cholesterol, 3,150 milligrams of sodium and 11 grams of sugar.

On the plus side, it has an awesome name.

The Double Down has 540 calories, 10 grams of saturated fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,380 milligrams of sodium and a gram of sugar. None of which makes much sense to me when I'm eating a sandwich with yummy chicken posing as bread.

Lots of courage

But I should've taken it seriously once someone wished me luck as I departed for KFC. I even may have heard someone quietly mutter, "There goes the bravest son of a (something) I ever did see."

Well — maybe that was me just thinking that. I always wanted someone to say that while I walked toward a situation that clearly could kill me, and this may have been the bravest thing I ever did, outside of once making a conscious decision to live in the Bay Area on a journalist's salary.

So I ate a Double Down. And I won't lie — for three minutes, I was in greasy, cheesy, baconated heaven.

Then I started feeling less-than-superb, which I fully expected when I inquired earlier about a defibrillator in the newsroom. Later, I felt out-and-out lousy. By the time I went home, my intestines were involved in a coup, trying to violently overthrow the rest of my body.

Even worse, I felt silly for eating something, more or less, on a dare.

That's what we're advancing here: the notion of food as a dare. Fast-food places are trying to outdo each other for the most blatantly anti-healthy food they can dream up. We all laugh when we see stories about county fairs deep-frying everything but rocks and timber (give them time) and selling them as food. Pretty soon, fast food places will try to talk us into paying for the privilege to go behind the counter and eat the grease from the fry vat once it hardens after a day or two.

Meanwhile, a day later and just thinking about the Double Down makes me want to exercise or eat a piece of celery or something.

Yeah "... it's that bad.

Contact Tony Hicks at thicks@bayareanewsgroup.com. Read his blog, "Insert Foot," on www.ibabuzz.com/insertfoot or follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/insertfoot.