Dear Carolyn: Sometimes I think I'd like someone to rescue me from my life -- someone to make it so I don't have to work anymore, and I just sit back and not think about anything serious or responsible.
I know this comes from having always been the "responsible" one, and it's gotten to the point where I'd love to make some very significant life changes, but I find myself unable to do so because of what seem like insurmountable obstacles. I'd love a job in a slightly different field, but I get paid a lot where I am, and I would have to take a pay cut if I went anywhere else, plus I would probably need more education, which I can't afford and don't have time for.
I would also love to end my marriage and move back to the part of the world I'm from, but I haven't been able to figure how to manage either of those things.
How does one balance out desire and reality to cobble a life that feels right? Or maybe there is no real right.
Wishing for Greener Grass
DEAR WISHING FOR GREENER GRASS: We're never just one "if only ... " away from a perfect life, because there's clearly no such thing, if that's what you mean. But there is some room to fiddle with the desire/reality balance. You don't have to hate your job, marriage and location for the rest of your life.
The pertinent question is, which changes to which element of your life will bring the most satisfaction -- and for the least pain?
Figuring that out requires a level of rational detachment that's difficult in your current state, which I suspect is depressed. I'm not a mental health professional, so please start this process by seeking the opinion of one.
Yes, time and money are scarce, and therapy requires both -- but it's hard to think of anything more costly and time-burning than trying to live an ill-fitting life. Seeing a therapist for even a couple of appointments can help.
Therapy or no, the next step I urge is to dismantle, piece by piece, your wall of "can't." You can, in fact, change jobs, live on less, retrain, move, separate. Whether any of these is a good idea takes us back to the pertinent question, but you can't hope to answer it unless you purge your defeatist thinking.
How? By seeing "can't" for what it is. You can change jobs,; you just choose not to absorb a pay cut. You eliminate "can't" by revisiting each of these choices, and reorienting each toward what you want.
Just as futility is overrepresented here, truth seems too scarce. Does your spouse even know how unhappy you are?
Give your marriage and your spouse a chance to be something in your life that works. If that's not possible, then just choose not to be the next person who blindsides a spouse with "This isn't working." Admit you're in trouble, out loud. Even if you leave out any details that feel reckless to include, you'll still set change in motion. That's what you fear, but it seems like time to accept that the status quo carries risks of its own.
"Tell Me About It" by Carolyn Hax appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.